Isambard vs. Goodmayes & Blythswood (A) - Friendly

4th May, 2008

The Goodmayes, the Bad and the Ugly

 

Goodmayes and Blythswood 160-4 (35 overs) (G.Kallmann 2-18).  Isambard 110 all out (33 overs) (R.Gardiner 28, R.Collins 26).

It has been said that people whose sentences are peppered with swear words are merely making up for a lack of vocabulary.  Unfortunately - after much trying - I have been unable to produce a match report that adequately describes Isambard's performance against Goodmayes and Blythswood without utilising f**k or s**t in almost every sentence.  Instead, I have decided to substitute these deplorable and offensive words with the names of various celebrities. 
  
With a few notable exceptions, Isambard's performance can only be described as Jade Goodyingly horrendous. 
  
With Captain Sunny Munn temporarily missing in action again, it was Sir Rich Gardiner's responsibility to lose the toss and be forced to field on a wicket slower than a stoned tortoise and more overgrown than Ann Widdecombe's bikini line. 
  
In spite of the wicket, the opening spells of debutants Mat Lindsay and Steve Johnston were superb, and both picked up well deserved wickets. Gavin Kallmann kept up the pressure with his left arm inswing immediately paying dividends, taking two wickets and leaving the opposition four down for not many. 
  
Then came the James Blunt of a partnership that broke Isambard's back. The introduction of the spinners was greeted gleefully by the two Goodmayes batsmen, and the pair put on an unbeaten century stand. 
  
Ray Collins was brought on to stem the run haemorrhage, and he did just that, trapping the fat, bald Sarah Jessica Parker of a batsmen absolutely plum in front twice in successive deliveries.  However, the biased Jamie Oliver of an umpire, sporting not only Ray Charles-style sunglasses but Ray Charles' ocular capabilities, declined to raise his finger on both occasions. 
  
Our spy in the Goodmayes camp (Mat Lindsay's charming lady) later overheard the Janet Street Porter of an umpire admit that both appeals were out, but he didn't give the fat Pete Doherty out because "it would cause tensions in the team" - the cheating Michael Jackson.  Speaking of cheating, a superb piece of fielding by Munn - throwing down the stumps when Goodmayes' rotund batsman was out of his crease attempting to "collect the ball for us" - was ruled not out. 
  
In spite of two excellent catches, Isambard's standard of cricket was unbelievably Andrew Lloyd Webber-ed - the bowlers gave away buckets of runs by bowling full tosses, the fielding went down quicker than Didier Drogba in the box - all of which prompted the Naomi Campbell of a wicketkeeper to develop a case of moodiness and throw all his toys out of the pram. 
  
Set 161 off 35 overs, Isambard openers Gardiner and Collins were a contrast in batting styles: Collins smacking everything that moved, Gardiner sensibly playing the anchor role. 
  
Excluding Collins' exciting 26, Gardiner's Mark Richardson-esque 28 and Paul "Irish Cream" Bailey's 11, no other batsman managed to reach double figures in Isambard's paltry 110 all out.  Among the scarce highlights were Munn being bowled around his legs, and the opposition kindly lending us a No.11, due to a no-show from Ric Firth. One could blame the slow pitch for most of the dismissals, but, to be fair to Goodmayes, we simply didn't play well enough. 
  
Apart from the regular visits of dogs on the pitch threatening to use the stumps as a tree, and the chav clad in a John McCririck-style muffler hat trying to pick a fight with the entire team, there was little else worthy of record.  Did I mention that Munn was bowled around his legs? 
  
By Kim-Meg Breward

Report by Kim-Meg Breward

 
 
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