Isambard vs. Redhill & OC (A) - Friendly

13th July, 2008

Roxy's Rejects rapidly wreak rambunctious revenge in Redhill

 

Isambard 227-6 dec. (40 overs) (A.Wembridge 105, M.Lindsay 36 not out, M.Wembridge 34).  Redhill & Old Coulsdon 87 all out (39 overs) (R.Robinson 3-9, Lindsay 2-0, G.Collins 2-14, S.O'Brien 2-19).

A Redhill-ite resembling a rotund Rolf Harris - supposedly their circumstantial secretary - rounded on me from where he was bounding beside backward square leg.  "The gentleman I spoke to on the phone assured me that you were a weak team," Rolf rancidly rambled.  Before I could reply, roly-poly Rolf ran his roomy rump to the rope to repeatedly return round, red cricket balls. 
  
His boys were being broadly, blindingly, buggeringly beaten to a bloody ball by a bunch of bad, blissfully banal, blurry B-grade booze hounds. A team of terrible, titillating, talentless, two-bit tragics. A flim-flam of failures, flops, and fleetingly ferocious fuck-ups. A myriad melange of malevolent, mooching, muff-munching, memorials to mediocrity.  For this unique week Isambard's club of champions had been bifurcated into a biased bunch of bastards, with the talented team transferred topside to "the Firsts", slinging the slops of slurry sideways to the scrap heap of "the Seconds", like one of Lindsay Lohan's burnt-out fanny hammers. 
  
We were the Bay City Rollers to the First Team's Beatles. 
  
We were Phil Tufnell to their Shane Warne. 
  
We were a Happy Meal (without the free toy) to their five-course dinner and a blow job. 
  
We were 11 guys who John West or the Man from Del Monte wouldn't have looked at twice. 
  
We will for ever be known as Roxy's Rejects. 
  
To concede credit to incontestably Isambard's most celebrated super cricketer, Dave "Roxy" Bywater did arrange an outing with an opposition that even a lumpy lot of lemony losers such as the sucker "Seconds" could theoretically trounce. And with the enforced (read: Kim-Meg slung a searing strop with Roxy until he sympathetically subsided) relegation of rugby retiree Mat Lindsay to the Rejects, our potential of pugnaciously and potently pouring the pork to the older opposition was optimal. 
  
And now to the game. 
  
The Wembridges wangled their way to the wicket with the will to wantonly waive their whacking willows at whatever was whirled their way. Said set of siblings set about serving a serious shellacking to shell-shocked opposition.  The partnership of the potent pair with parallel parents pushed 80 prior to Wembridge senior poking a playable pie into the portly paunch of Uncle Monty for 34. 
  
Paul Frost joined junior joyously, however he hit the hard projectile haltingly, slowly scratching his scores stuntingly, causing the caustically cantankerous Lindsay to growl grumpily about "what he would have done to that ball" (i.e. hit it hard into the heavens).  After Frost fell for nine, debutant Paul McConville did the deed really rapidly, returning to the pavilion with a run-a-ball two. 
  
Pete Brooks belted the ball backwards (over first slip) and broke the back of the battered bowling before being bettered by a bad ball, bowled for two, bringing regular radical Richie Robinson (15 not out) to the crease.  Meanwhile, seriously sizing up a century, Wembridge junior dealt the dodgy deliveries their due, tonking ten boundaries and three substantial sixes in his 105.  Any concerns he may have had about being on 87 not out were overcome by his hitting the next three balls for a four and two sixes.  No prizes for working out which Wembridge gleaned the greater cricketing genes. 
  
Searching and seeking for a diminutive duo of runs to tally a total of ten tons for Adam Malin, the super skipper slapped a beautiful boundary that macerated mid-off, sparking super celebrations in the raucous retinue of Roxy's Rejects.  Then the doughty dependable was dismissed. 
  
Upon Malin's departure, the frighteningly frustrated form of Lindsay crossed the crease with malicious murder mostly moored in his mind. The big boy belted a bag of massive maximums and flayed a flock of fours in his dozen-ball 36 not out, leaving our wounded, wretched rivals chasing a cheery 227. 
  
Dangerous dentist Geoff "Doc" Collins defiantly dealt up some delving, dental-damaging deliveries (2-14 off nine overs), and the refreshing return of Scotty "Windscreens" O'Brien to the Rejects' formidable fast-bowling formation sent salutatory shivers down Redhill spines - filing fantastic figures of 2-19 from eleven overs. Backing bribes to bring O'Brien back will bring bountiful benefits for the boys.
  
Lindsay (2-0 from three maiden overs) flung his full frame forward to capture a caught and bowled chance, creating a crevasse in the pitch and evoking earthquakes in Ecuador.  Richie Robinson then joined the jamboree, taking 3-9 off four fun-filled overs. The bowler bounded with bad luck was McConville, who deserved a desirably restored return, but was thwacked for thirty off five feisty overs. 
  
Despite a dogged duo deadening our deliveries for an agonising hour, we wrapped up Redhill for an exiguous 87 with an abundance of overs remaining.  If you circumvent the century of Wembridge junior, hero of the day was debutant Dan McMullen, whose adept ability to ascertain alcohol-vending establishments was exemplary. Bring the boy back!  Roxy's Rejects reigned raucously despite downsizing deemed dastardly by grumpy grouch of a crabby crank complainer Kim-Meg Breward. 
  
By Kim-Meg Breward

 
 
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