Rickmansworth & Isambard Cricket Club

(With a slackness not seen since Paris Hilton shoved a pineapple up her bearded clam in South Park, Kim Meg Breward has finally got around to detailing the near-embarrassment that was Isambard's first match of 2009, some five weeks after the event. Apologies for the delay, and for the early season reference to beef curtains).

Another season, another chance at cricketing glory, another shot at revealing to the world Isambard's spectacular collective cricketing prowess.

Or put differently, simply another chance to fail miserably and get drunk after losing yet again.

New Isambard skipper Mat Lindsay began the day with an inspirational speech that warmed the cockles and stirred us all on a momentous occasion.

 "I don't care whether we win or lose," he intoned solemnly. "I just want the game to be over early so I can get to the bar."

With his words ringing in our ears and our cockles, winkles and clams (there were three WAGs present) warmed by the unseasonably sunny May weather, we were ready for battle, albeit several men short. Setting the tone for the year, Lindsay lost his first toss as skipper, resulting in us being asked to field in A TIMED GAME! For fuck's sake, who plays timed games? They're as pointless as the Pope's testicles and as desirable as a blowjob from Sloth from The Goonies.

Yet to familiarise himself with Isambard etiquette, debutant Nathan Mackey asked where he could store his phone and wallet whilst fielding, and was told that Lindsay's charming girlfriend, Sonia, had taken charge of the valuables container.

"My girlfriend has a very valuable box," quipped the skipper. Had Pandora/Sonia been in earshot, Lindsay may have received a sharp slap for his effort.

But on to the game.

The Walthamstow Horizontals presented us with a pitch as dry as the Pope's rope, with a lightning fast outfield and a couple of short boundaries. With some terrible bowling and horrendous fielding, batsmen could be assured of being in the runs.

And so it was for the Horizontal willow wielders, who in spite of a nervous start "“ they were 53-4 at one point "“ managed to make our bowlers look less than pedestrian (their number three decided that the best way to get runs was to elegantly thump the ball straight back over the bowler's head for six with monotonous regularity).

Both Lindsay and Dave "Daddy Daycare" Bywater bowled accurately, but the Isambard bowling revelation was James Dean, whose rapid spinners had the opposition, well, spinning. Lindsay bowled what must have been a record-breaking spell of at least five overs without going into cardiac arrest, and new boy Mackey showed he could roll his arm over accurately.  Fellow debutant Abdullah Asmatpoor bowled one over, but tweaked a shoulder attempting to grapple a steepler, and had to call it a day shortly afterwards.

A few more dropped catches combined with a couple of shocking decisions from the umpires and Isambard was on the ropes (not the Pope's, thankfully). Most of the Isambard players got a bowl, including Sir Richie "my back's back" Gardiner, Alex "Don't call me Richie" Robinson, and a seemingly amphetamine-riddled Paul "Osama" Bailey, whose spinners have never been so pacey.

The other revelation of the day was Nathan "They called him Slipper" Mackey's slip fielding. Never in Isambard's history has anyone been expected to pouch catches in the slips. Sir Rich's legendary cordon-related fumblings "“ somewhat reminiscent of a 15-year-old's experiences behind the bike shed with the local make-up clad bike "“ were but a thing of the past after watching "Slipper" take difficult catch after difficult catch with ease.

Horizontals failed to declare before tea and set Isambard a reachable target, killing off any competitive element of the game and eventually finishing on 245-9.

Sir Rich and Slipper Mackey opened the Isambard innings in style "“ neither of them lost their wicket until the eighth over, when the latter was caught. Bywater decided he had had a gutful of waiting for the season to commence, and spanked his first delivery to the outer reaches of Walthamstow. He and Sir Rich proceeded on their merry way until the "father of many" was bowled, effectively spelling an end to Isambard's run chase.

Mark "Busta Thumb" Wembridge joined Sir Rich at the crease, and - fearing that as soon as one of them went out Isambard would suffer "one of those typical collapses" - the two shut up shop against a pair of spinners with a combined age of 245.

With 10 overs to go and knowing defeat was almost impossible, Skipper Lindsay ordered the two to "Get on with it!" prompting Wembridge to charge down the pitch like an MP after an expense claim form, only to take a wild swing and get stumped.

Isambard's batting couldn't possibly collapse and gift Horizontals the win, could it? But like punters in an Albanian hooker's Soho bedroom, Isambard's batsmen came and went in rapid succession.

Dean, Bailey and Adam Malin, who turned up unannounced in order to add to his impressive collection of Isambard ducks, were all dismissed in short order, leaving Sir Rich and Robinson to close out the innings. This also prevented Skipper Lindsay from having a hit, stopping him from most probably losing Isambard the game by attempting a six off the last ball and being castled.

A special mention must go to Bywater for shattering wicketkeeper Wembridge's thumb with an accurate return to the stumps that he dropped like the Pope's testes. You've done what many have attempted, and hoped to do.

Kim Meg Breward

In the interests of fairness and "balance", here's Horizontals' report.