Rickmansworth & Isambard Cricket Club

"A woman is like a flower. When she is ready, she will open her petals for you." "“ El Guapo, The Three Amigos

Similarly, when Isambard is ready, her performance petals tend to open as wide as Paris Hilton in front of a night cam. And so was our team effort at Wimbledon United.

The sun was shining, the pitch was true, and the Isambard team was as happy as Dick Cheney at a waterboarding convention. With such a fine mood permeating the team, it was no surprise that we were always going to win this one.

Although skipper Mat Lindsay lost the toss, it didn't take long for him to make amends by quickly bowling United's best batsman. He also had the tactical nous to bring on Isambard legend Scotty "Windscreens" O'Brien to dislodge the other opener thanks to a superb slip catch by Dave "Roxy" Bywater.

Admittedly, Roxy said he had little clue about how the cherry stuck in his mitt, but seemed suitably pleased to have caught a ball that was fizzing like Sunny "The Magnificent" Munn's mentos-covered head in a bowl of cola.

On an aside, after watching Munn's performance on Australia's Got Talent, it must be said that the former Isambard skipper and bearded mini-cab damager left most of his talent on the English cricket field. Regardless, it was a fine Isambard-like display of self-depreciation by the floppy-hat wearing one.

More Wimbledon wickets tumbled in rapid succession, with some top class bowling from the Isambard boys, as well as a run-out of an apparently suicidal batsman left the home side withering at 34-5.

Then came the inevitable partnership "“ Wimbledon United's spiky-haired number 3 combined with their opening bowler to put on 95, in spite of the best bowling efforts of Geoff "Doc" Collins, James "Jimmy" Dean, Paul "Osama" Bailey, Paul "Grego" Gregan and Andy "Andy" Hankin.

It took Bywater to stop the rot, snaffling a handy caught and bowled. Thereafter the Wimbledon batsmen folded like a table weighed down with Shane Warne's daily pizza intake, finishing their 40 overs on 166-8 "“ an eminently gettable target on a flat track with a fast outfield.

And so it turned out after tea. Both Hankin and Bywater proceeded to thump the Wimbledon bowlers around Cottenham Park, until Bywater "“ a single short of a 100-run partnership - aimed one swipe too many and was castled for 39.

Until that point, Adam Munro had been nervously awaiting his opportunity to bat, openly predicting his impending doom. Not one to disappoint, he swung at his first ball, snicking it to an incredulous and hard-of-hearing keeper, who failed to appeal. However, his slip cordon was not as deaf, resulting in Munro joining the Primary Club on his Isambard debut.

Nat Parbhu didn't last much longer, and was an LBW victim for 5. Dean barely troubled the scorer with his 2, and was followed by Gregan, who opened his Isambard account with a cunning boundary snicked under the keeper's gloves before cracking one into short mid-off's belly.

Oblivious to the carnage, Hankin continued to crack boundaries around and out of the park, passing 50 and looking as comfortable as Silvio Berlusconi in a villa full of 16-year-old girls.

Seeing that the game was about to be won and that Hankin was nearing his century, spectators told O'Brien to give his batting partner the strike in order not to leave him stranded.

"I thought you said "˜hit out' ", and "I couldn't hear what you were saying", were the two explanations O'Brien offered after he whacked a few boundaries to win the match with about 9 overs to spare, leaving Hankin stuck on 97 not out and feeling like a spare prick at an orgy.

Kim-Meg Breward