Rickmansworth & Isambard Cricket Club

A tender moment at Botany Bay

As for the cricket, the sun was out, the sky was blue and the pitch was damn near vertical (with a tinge of green). A theodolyte nicked from the Time Teamers in the ditch, while Tony Robinson was busy napping flints, showed the top of the stumps at the Wishing Well End were level with the bottom of the sticks at the M25-link road end.

Skipper Matt Lindsay won the toss and rather than get out the petons and crampons straight away opted to bat. Mark Wembridge and Nathan Mackey set a good early pace, until Mackey hit one shot towards London for six, then trying for the ditch again holed out next ball for 30. Wembridge batted on, in spite of being dropped at slip on 10. Joined by Dave "Roxy" Bywater, the boundaries kept coming in spite of Botany Bay having two fielders leaning against the Wishing Well End sight screen and one child-minding by the square leg pavilion.

Bywater fell for a quick 52, but Wembridge batted on.

Gavin "Gunther" Kallman joined his workmate, and using the full width of his body, scored one off the midriff and one off the bat before trying for some points in the ditch-ball stakes and getting himself castled. The stroke looked wonderful "¦ shame he missed it. Fraser Matthews followed swiftly on and swiftly off for 3. Wembridge batted on.

Lindsay, just back off after an umpiring stint only to find the bar had been closed while he was officiating, was run out for a duck after some yes-no-maybe-errrr-whaddya-think?-ooh-I-dunno-ish calling and failed to make the crease even though he was heading for the downhill end. As he trudged off Lindsay's fierce invective towards Wembridge could be heard several miles away.

Wembridge batted on.

At this point it was hard to tell who was the most disconcerting of the Botany Bay side: the one who started his run-up with a stylish little Bruce Forsyth kick, the spinner who got dot balls by pitching the ball half way down the slope so by the time it reached the batsman it was trickling along the ground, the show-off fielder who took at least six attempts to catch one, or the 12-year-old tearaway fast bowler whose run-up started in Cockfosters and cunningly slowed down, Usain Bolt-like, as he reached the crease.

Did I mention Wembridge was batting on?

About this point, Wembridge finally found a batsman in Nick Tuohy to stay with him "“ there were boundaries a plenty, an all-run four and a ball that went into the ditch and never reappeared. Gavin "Bearded Wonder" Kallman suggested putting Wembridge's runs on the score box in Test-match-style to let him know where he was as he approached his maiden ton in all types of cricket. He was in the 80s and regularly making the fielding team go ditching in search of the ball "¦ a ball!! "¦ any ball!!!! We didn't want him getting run out on 99 or something silly like that, now, did we?

Then as tragically and inevitably as Oedipus doing naughty things with mummy or as George Michael rear-ending a trucker with his bull bar and getting a bum deal from headline-writing subs ("George Michael shunts trucker in rear"), Wembridge in the final over and on 99 drops the ball in front of him, though dangerously close to a fielder, calls the single and in what felt like some kind of slo-mo Chariots of Fire replay, sprawls Ian Charleson-like into the dirt at the downhill end as the bails land just in front of his nose.

Wembridge: no flake for him, please

In those circumstances, what kind of Scouse git would offer to buy a downcast Wembridge, fresh off the field, an ice cream with a flake in it?

As the laughter from the crowd echoed through the valley, Lindsay rose to his feet and exclaimed: "Yes! There is a God! Serves the bastard right for running me out!" Or something like that.

Nick (21) and Matt "Tiger Tim" Henman had time to add two more runs to finish Isambard on a handy-looking 235-5 and get them in the pavilion for a top tea (fresh fruit and builders-strength Typhoo!!!)

Back out, Lindsay took the new (well, new to this game anyway) ball down hill with Alex Mitchen labouring uphill from the Wishing Well End. A few wides from Mitchen were called by some occasionally over-zealous umpires as he got his rhythm right, but the Botany Bay batsmen didn't look like they were getting away. Mitchen took a sharp chance in the gully off a Tuohy full-toss and things were looking bright. Then the home team started really playing ditch-ball and everything went a little "lorry meets pop star's SUV".

With the ball (or three of them by the end) flying past the fielders, Isambard reverted to soccer skills to try and maintain some control, Paul "Grego" Gregan chesting down a couple of off-drives and Adam Malin side-footing a nifty one-two back to the bowler.

Gavin "Sherpa" Kallman laboured manfully up the hill for eight overs and was rewarded with a catch to Bywater off another full toss "“ which seemed like being the killer ball on this pitch. By the end of his stint and the heat getting soup-like, ball number three was as sodden as a very sodden thing, and Kallmann's hands dyed red from the sponge he was hurling uphill.

Bywater tried some seam up and some spin for five overs at the other end and Mackey twirled away for the same number of overs. Nothing doing except for the ditch-ball aficionados.

Gregan got a turn at the death and seemed to exert some Darren Gough-like control for one over with the sponge ball. But next over Lindsay was ditched for a boundary and out came a new-new-new-new ball that felt like it had had the seam rasped off and a buffing up with beeswax so it was like spinning a ball-bearing. A wide followed and Gregan tried a wicket-threatening full-toss. A ditched six brought up the Botany Bay win.

No one bothered getting the ball back.

In the train back, Wembridge and a calculator pored over the score card seeing if he could do a Bernie Madoff and creatively account for one more run "¦. in vain.

Match report by Arpen Gulag.