Rickmansworth & Isambard Cricket Club

As the end of the season neared, the creaking Isambard faithful came out of their summer hibernation to take a few wickets and smack a few runs. Club secretary Dave "Roxy" Bywater was so overwhelmed with requests to play in this match, he apparently ended up selecting the lucky 11 from their performance on his "casting couch".

As it turned out, a sore-arsed and lock-jawed bunch of blokes eventually found their way to the ground, which was hidden on a dusty back road in between a dug-up beetroot patch, a creek that could have contained the bodies of several of the Yorkshire Ripper's earlier victims, and a hedge the thickness of Beth Ditto's lady garden (and twice as prickly)

The clubhouse resembled the Bates Motel "“ and almost as frighteningly it did not contain any alcohol. To remedy this dire situation, Matt Lindsay's girlfriend Sonia led a posse of booze hounds to the nearest off-licence, which due to the location's remoteness turned out to be 15 miles away.

The Wembridge brothers continued their trend of opening the batting, with Wembridge Jnr appearing ill-at-ease at the crease. He swatted a tennis forehand for six from the bowling of "Harold Bishop from Neighbours", but never found his rhythm. Ramsay Street's finest left-arm pie thrower had the last laugh, however, having the Osama-esquely bearded Wembridge Jnr caught at the wicket.

Sir Rich Gardiner joined the proceedings, but failed to make a lasting impression on Harold Bishop and his ilk, playing on to Scotty "Windscreens" O'Brien's chunky boss for 8.

Paul Frost didn't exactly have the best of innings, barely managing to get bat to ball before he was castled and was left feeling lower than Caster Semenya's testicles.

Frosty's efforts earned him the admiration of the opposition, whose tradition of forcing non-scoring batsmen to don a duck shirt and suck beer through a nipple cup was followed by the hungover one. He did the club proud by writing a succinct "Fuck you all" on the shirt, as is tradition. Top job, Frosty!

In no mood for running, Dave "Blitzkrieg" Bywater began smashing the poor opposition around and out of the park, seriously pissing off the farmer in the neighbouring field beyond the hedge. He also managed to thump a few balls through the adjoining football goalposts, and put dents in the oppositions' illogically parked cars (Would only an idiot park their car at cow corner when "Blitzkrieg" Bywater was batting? "Oh yes".)

He and Wembridge Snr put on a 100+ run partnership in next to no time, before the big South Australian ran down the wicket only to miss the ball and be licked for 69.

During this time Wembridge "fancy a 99 ice cream?" Snr was continuing on his merry way, clouting 5 sixes and 13 fours. He was dropped twice "“ one of which was an absolute dolly "“ by the same fielder, whose relaxed approach to fielding was no doubt enhanced by the enormous spliff he inhaled just prior the match commencing.

In his efforts to get to a century before tea, Wembridge "not again!" Snr threw the bat at everything, and was stranded on 97 (which, after re-calculation, turned out to be an even more humiliating 98 to add to his 99 against Botany Bay) at the end of regulation time.

Kindly, the opposition allowed an extra over to be bowled to reach the milestone. But gallantly and thoughtlessly as ever, Wembridge Snr refused this charity in the only way he knew how, allowing himself to be comprehensively bowled, forcing more hysterics from the semi-inebriated crowd. As a result, the tea break was not delayed and the opposition had the full 2½ hours to bat.

It must have been the sandwiches, crisps and hot tea that fired up "Dead-eye" Bywater at the break.

One of Hares' openers was none other than "Harold Bishop from Neighbours", but against Isambard he left the field without facing a ball. Gathering the cherry from a return that hit the stumps and ricocheted towards square leg, "I prefer Alf Stewart from Home & Away" Bywater threw down the stumps at the bowler's end when Harold and his batting partner were midway through a second run.

But the sympathy ended there.

An inswinging yorker from Scotty "Frontbottom" O'Brien. "“ he's a better left-arm swinger than Ryan Sidebottom "“ cleaned up the opposition superstar for a duck. Apparently he had been averaging 85 for the season. In the words of Bill Lawry, "That's fucked his average, Tony!" O'Brien finished with stunning figures of 9-4-8-2. Why doesn't he play for Isambard more often?

Sir Rich "“ as silver-tongued as ever "“ was at his finest sledging his team mates, and in an effort to encourage a flagging Lindsay yelled: "Come on Matt, fire up. He said something about your grandmother!"

The batsman proceeded to thwack Lindsay for an enormous six, bringing the retort from Wembridge Jnr: "So what did he say about your grandmother?" This resulted in hysterics from batsmen, umpires and the Isambard faithful. Fittingly, Lindsay soon had his revenge when the next swat was straight down the throat of mid-off.

It seems we've unearthed a gem in Paul "Swinger" Monaghan, whose wobblers bamboozled the Hares. He took three great wickets that could have easily been 5 if it hadn't been for "Fumbles" Lindsay dropping 2 simple catches.

In a moment more shocking than Paris Hilton being shown to wear underwear when spreading her legs for the paparazzi, Sir Rich snaffled a speedy slips catch with remarkable aplomb. Dave "Disco" Malin got in on the fine fielding effort, by saving two certain boundaries with his ankles

Alex "Mitch" Mitchell's first ball was a cracker "“ an inswinger that took out off stump "“ but he failed to repeat that effort throughout his spell. Regardless, he bowled well.

The spinners of James "Nurse Jimmy" Dean gripped more than Katie Price in a dildo store, and a wrong-un won him a well-deserved wicket.

Both Sir Rich and "Disco" Malin both rolled their arms over in an effort to clean up the tail, but Hares' final pair frustrated the Isambard bowlers for 12 overs. Like buying the drinks all night and then watching your drunken blonde shag for the night run off with your best mate, could Isambard be left with a draw after doing all the hard work?

It took "I might give up trying to bowl spin" Bywater to take the final wicket, trapping our hemp-smoking friend LBW with his blistering medium pace, after bowling a few overs of wayward offies that were about as fruitful as wanking with chopsticks.

Fittingly, after Isambard's our run of six consecutive defeats was broken Lindsay and Wembridge Jnr decided it was the right time to show the world their true feelings for each other. Bless.