Rickmansworth & Isambard Cricket Club

A note from Kim-Meg when she eventually got round to producing the match report (from a Cuban brothel), March 2011: Keith, what was the name of the club we played? It wasn’t Edmonton, was it? It was played at Edmonton, but I don’t think it was actually Edmonton that we played. We should ensure we get that right before insulting some other team.

Funnily enough, it didn’t take long to work out that Isambard’s final match of the 2010 season was going to be a tough one. This was confirmed by the rude, pigheaded way that the opposition skipper – a chubby, mouthy twat – refused to countenance the stand-in Isambard skipper’s plea to allow a weakened ‘Bard to bat first in order to avoid chasing leather for 35 overs.

Unknown to all, Isambard had been switched from playing the fun bunch of blokes that make up the Edmonton CC on the “postage stamp” ground, to a nasty-mouthed team on the much larger field – a bit like Jordan switching from a placid Peter Andre to take up with transvestite cage fighter Alex Reid.

Champion Isambard players Dave “Roxy” Bywater and Paul McConville, amongst others, were unavailable for the match, leaving our batting and bowling severely depleted. However, that didn’t stop the boys from starting off with as much enthusiasm as Charlie Sheen walking into a room full of hookers.

Kiwis made up the bulk of the Isambard X – I say X as the 11th member of the team, Ric Firth, was drafted to work that day, thus leaving us even further short in the batting and bowling departments.

Isambard started well, with big Kiwi Gareth Kenny proving to be the ace in the bowling deck, catching the outside edge of the opener with a lovely outswinger. But what followed was pure Isambard magic.

Nailing a square cut usually brings a boundary, but not to the Edmonton opener, who could only watch as his shot flew to Simon Watt in gully, who was momentarily horizontal as he got both hands around a stinger.

Great catching cannot be described as an Isambard strong point (and later in the innings this was proved to be true), but Wattsy’s grab must go down in club folklore as one of the best ever taken.

Rocking the Edmonton top order, Isambard should have had one more when “Nurse” Jimmy Dean was unlucky not to have dreadlocked dope smoking number 3 out caught behind when the cheating bastard refused to walk when he gloved one behind.

Unlucky Dave Sime then laid claim to what must be the most expensive drop in Isambard history, when he put down the opposition number 3 on about 20, allowing the fucker to go on to make an arsey 146.

Dipshit that he was, the prick was so arrogant in his attitude that he boasted loudly that it “was the best chance of making a double century” that he has ever had. Not really, considering that you were already out, you cheating fucker.

Eventually Jimmy had the last laugh, having the glaze-eyed tit caught by Watt at backward square, but not before he had thrashed Isambard’s bowlers around the park.

Cheating belief, Jeremy “Ooh, my hamstring” Carton rolled his arm over, and was smashed around the park, but not before picking up a valuable wicket. He also provided the wide that was returned by a laser armed throw from Wattsy at fine leg to run out the opposition’s Clive Lloyd look-alike.

However much we were flayed around the park, the Isambard boys never gave up, with Nat Parbhu – our usual wicketkeeper – instead rolling his arm over and taking a great caught and bowled chance.

Even more impressive was the fashion in which Wattsy started his spell. The big man came on and got a wicket first ball – caught behind down the leg side off a short lifter.

About now it was time for skipper Mark Wembridge to try anything to stem the flow of runs, and he asked Isambard’s impressive import Michael Wherle to bowl a few overs.

Try as he might, Wembridge couldn’t encourage the Swiss superstar to roll his arm over, but did manage to persuade Dave Sime to bowl for the first time.

Isambard debutants have a knack of getting wickets, with Sime tricking the batsman into running down the pitch to smash the ball out of the park – the result was a stumping and Edmonton finishing up on 254-8 from 33.5 overs.

Not content with smashing us about the park, the dope-smoking cheat from Edmonton then opened the bowling against Isambard openers Wembridge and Parbhu, with some rapid deliveries.

Gratifyingly, Wembridge began the run chase by thumping 10 off the Rasta’s first four balls, before being castled by a yorker, leaving the stubborn Parbhu to flay the attack around for ground for a superb 79. Alas, Edmonton’s charmless all-rounder ended up with five wickets to add to his 146.

Presumably earlier than he expected, Watts came to the crease and left after making a rapid 5, whilst Dean followed suit and was castled after thrashing a glorious boundary.

Raising the eyebrows of all, Carton did not snap a hamstring during his excellent 17, but did provide an excuse for the Edmonton twats to berate skipper Wembridge whilst he was umpiring.

Interpreting the law at least half correctly, Wembridge called “no ball” when he noticed that the single fielder in the cordon had moved across from third slip to first slip whilst the bowler was mid-way through his run-up. Admittedly, Wembridge should have called “dead ball” instead of “no ball”; inevitably, Carton was castled following a wild swing across the line.

Cue five animated, opposition players to surround Wembridge and scream in his face that he was a cheat and had “ruined the spirit the game was played in”, in spite of the fact that the “no ball” had been called well before the ball had left the bowler’s hand, and that the umpire was correct to stop play when the slip moved across during the bowler’s run-up.

Killing all notions of fair play and manners, Edmonton’s outburst turned a match with uneasy undertones into a feral and disgraceful display, and the Isambard players were pleased to leave the field after being all out for 141, Kenny’s quickfire 17 the highlight among the tail enders.

So Edmonton readers, I invite you to go back through this match report and see whether you can find a secret message hidden in the paragraphs. Rest assured, we mean it sincerely, andhope to never play you bunch of lowlife fuckwits ever again. (Depends if we can get promoted seven times in the Chess Valley League – Ed).